I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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