Someone shit on the floor
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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