Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
