Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Randomize
