This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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