one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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