i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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