mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
