The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
