I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
