do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
