I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
