Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
