she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize