He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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