it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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