Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
