Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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