i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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