my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
