well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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