Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We have started to decorate penises.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
