Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
