I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
