Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
