Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize