Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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