Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize