Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
