Kareoke will never be a sober sport
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
