Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
