I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
