We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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