I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
