My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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