I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
