I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
