I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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