It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
