he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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