I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
