and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
