i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
