That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
