I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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