The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize