i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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