When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
