I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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