why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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