I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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