Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize