dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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