Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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