we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
