Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
