He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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