I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
