someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
