im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
