Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
