I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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