I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
