Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Tell her she can't have a vagina
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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