What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
