I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
