When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
