i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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