his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
