the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
