I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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