Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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