when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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