On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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